Done trying to hold it together

I am done trying to hold it together. Since the last post that my mother put up toward the end of the week, I have been in meltdown mode. I also am not contacting the cottage at this point. I'm too hurt and too angry. There is another update on the caring bridge site and according to what my mother put on there, the doctor wants my dad to continue through cycle 6 as the tumor markers are down. One would think that news like that would make me happy but it doesn't. Was it Dad's choice to continue through cycle 6? Or is he doing it because he feels that's what he "should" do? Nothing has changed as far as me being excluded goes either, I saw by the latest update post that it's still happening.

Hurt and pissed off

I am so hurt and pissed off right now it's unreal. Mom posted an update on dad's caring bridge site, and everything was fine until I read the last sentence which read as follows: "Peggy is flying in for a visit and that makes for a good weekend." It was an obvious dig, and once again sends the message that as far as they are concerned, I'm about as valued as dirt.

I have a huge problem with non believers who are disrespectful about it

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have no problem with those who don't believe in mediums or the spirit world in general. However, I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to be a non believer. What I consider to be the right way to be a non believer is when the person who shares that opinion expresses it, but is respectful of those who do believe,like myself. To me, to goad someone who is a believer or worse, taunt them for being so, is the wrong way to be a non believer.

Someone who I mentioned in a previous post goaded one of my medium friends one too many times for my taste so I blocked this person.....now I won't have to see his taunting anywhere on Facebook anymore......thank goodness!

Rant ahead

I know that there are skeptics out there that don't believe that mediums are real and in general, I have no problem with them. The only time I do have a problem with skeptics is when they do one of two things:

1. They either use their skepticism to disguise mean-spiritedness

2. Or they goad those of us who do believe.

There is a skeptic that is very well known to believers out there, who, in my opinion does both of these things that I've listed. In fact, he did it just before I started writing this post, and I'm now so angry there is steam coming out of my ears. I'm also so angry that I can't write any more on this.

I know I did the right thing....but now what?

I know I did the right thing by telling my mom that I could no longer come to the cottage when dad was so close to having treatments, but now what? That's what I've been struggling with the last few days. I've been struggling with it so much that I couldn't even journal until now. I'm still struggling, but at least I feel like I can write again. My friend and assistant Lisa now knows about what I told my mother. Lisa asked me to tell her how I was feeling so that she could relay it when she talks to my mom. Now, I wait and see what happens next. My emotions were like a roller coaster even before I told mom what I was going to do and why, but now they're even more so, and it's driving me up the wall.

Varolo - Official Video

Finally did it

On Thursday night, my mother called, and when she called I told her that she would have to speak to my friend and assistant Lisa, because I couldn't come up to the cottage anymore when Dad was so close to having his chemo. When asked to explain why, I told her the truth, which is that I can no longer handle being the target of Dad's mood swings no matter how justified they may be. I also told her that I could no longer tolerate being constantly told that I need to be more tolerant of Dad and whatever else she thinks I'm doing wrong. As I said in a previous post, this last trip there was particularly hellish, and I simply can't go through that again.

My mother's response was to do what she usually does, which is to not validate my feelings and make it sound as though I'm the one with the problem and she and the rest of the family are perfect. That only makes me me more determined to stick to what I told her. I'm tired of being disrespected.