An unexpected jolt

I received an unexpected jolt today. I am a member of a group that provides support for people with DID (formerly known as Multiple personality Disorder) and also tries to raise awareness of it as well. And every once in a while, someone from there will send me a friend request on Facebook. I don't mind when someone from the group does that because as I've stated before here, I am happy to help anyone in any way that I can.

Today, someone whose name I've seen before in the group sent me a friend request. I confirmed it, and went to her wall to say hello and to thank her for adding me. It was after that that I happened to look over and see her email address. It turns out that she was a very good friend of my partner Laura. who unfortunately committed suicide two years ago. Laura's friend is a very nice person, but it still brought back memories and reopened a wound that had scabbed over. I also don't know yet if Laura's friend knows that Laura is gone. That means that if she doesn't I'm going to be the one who will have to tell her. I dread the prospect of that.

People are still afraid and unwilling to educate themselves even now.....and that is shameful

I have friends from all over the world and from all walks of life. And one thing that no one will know about me unless they happen to know me and what makes me tick is that I am very loyal to all of my friends, and if someone hurts any of my friends, the person who inflicted the hurt had better hope I don't find them. Yesterday, someone hurt one of my friends, but I didn't find out about it until about an hour ago. And while any circumstances under which any of my friends are hurt are awful, but this particular one is even more so.

My friend who was hurt is named M, and the person who hurt him did it by walking away from him because they couldn't handle that fact. I find it absolutely horrible that there are people that are afraid of HIV after all these years and all of the ways to educate yourself about it. I find it absolutely unconscionable that someone would be so unwilling to learn about ways to minimize the risk of infection. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there are people that would choose fear over education about this. But most of all, my heart breaks for the friend who was hurt by narrowmindedness.

A difficult anniversary

Today is a difficult day for me. Not just because of the terrible thing that happened ten years ago today, but also because today would have been my Auntie Beverly's 80th Birthday. She and my Uncle Ed were the ones that helped me so much when I was growing up. Beverly died two weeks after 911 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but I'm especially thinking of her today. :-(

Embarrassed

Most of the time, I see my cp as no big deal but there are times when having it can cause embarrassing things to  happen. Earlier tonight was one of those times. I had fallen asleep earlier, only to find, when I woke up later, that I had wet the bed in my sleep. All bedding had to be changed. I'm still crying over it. I know it's not my fault that I can't get to the bathroom by myself, but it is embarrassing to wet the bed when one is 38 years old.

Why is Mom the only one who can tell Dad things related to his medical condition?

So, yesterday Mom got a call from one of the nurses in charge of Dad's case. He had bloodwork done earlier that day in preparation for his next chemo treatment which will take place later today. The results of the bloodwork showed that Dad's hemoglobin is too low and he will need another blood transfusion. Mom set the transfusion up for tomorrow so that Dad wouldn't have to have a 12 hour day at the hospital.

Dad was upstairs taking a nap when the call came in, so I asked Mom if I could be the one to tell him the news when he came down. Immediately, she said no, that SHE was going to be the one to do it and no one else! I would like to know why Mom feels she is the only one who is/can be involved in this cancer crisis. Or rather, why she feels that only she and my sister are or can be involved in this cancer crisis. Since this whole nightmare started, I have felt excluded. When I say that I've felt excluded, I don't mean that I haven't been updated on Dad's condition as the need arises, what I mean is that I've felt excluded when it comes to being allowed to help Mom out etc. Okay, so maybe I can't do the big things like helping Dad get dressed, but I CAN do things such as setting up his meds, getting him things to drink, reading to him, etc, but I am not being allowed to do so.  And it's no accident that I'm not being allowed to help out. That is really hurting me, especially since it's coming right on top of being the target for Dad's mood swings.

Something has shifted

I'm not sure what it is yet, but something has shifted. Dad did apologize for flaring up last night, but for some reason, even though I usually am very quick to accept someone's apology when it's given, I found myself unable to do so when dad did it. I told him that he couldn't make everyone around him feel miserable just because he does, and I told him that I accepted his apology so that he would drop the issue. There's only one problem though. When I told Dad I accepted his apology, those were just words. I am not able to accept his apology as  I write this post. I don't know if this is just a passing feeling or not. I know that this probably makes me sound like a terrible daughter. But I just cannot accept his apology.

The next question is why. And so far, the answer is, I don't know yet. I'm working on  that as we speak. What does all of this say about me? Have I become someone who doesn't care and is callous and heartless?

Ready to explode

Dad flared up again about an hour ago, and that was bad enough, but now I'm really ready to explode because a few minutes ago, my mother just had the nerve to come in here and tell me that I need to be more tolerant of him, which makes me even madder. I understand that chemo is enough to make anyone feel like shit. But to my way of thinking, feeling ill does not give the person feeling ill the right to make those around them miserable. And all I hear from my mom is what I'm doing wrong and blah blah blah. Thanks for nothing Mom, as usual!