Difficulties with Mom

From the time that I was a little girl until I was an adult and had moved away from my parents, I used to pretend that everything was okay even when it wasn't. I did it to survive, but once I saw how unhealthy that was, I swore I would never do it again, and to this day, This has created difficulties with both of my parents but especially with my mother.

I talked with my mother today in order to check on Dad. She said the infection in his elbow was clearing up and that he would be going ahead with chemo this Friday.She then said that his appetite was good and that she hoped that after the chemo he would be feeling even better. It was at this point that I said to her that that would probably not be the case, and reminded her of what the pattern has been for dad after each session. She responded by saying that what I was saying was true, but that she kept hoping things would be different.

It was at this point that I ended the conversation as quickly as I could because although Mother didn't know it, I was angry. It drives me crazy that Mom simply will not face reality, and also that she expects me to play the game of let's-pretend-everything's-okay-even-though-its not. I don't care how angry it makes her, I refuse to play along with her anymore. I won't do it. Ever again.

Odds and ends

I got my hair cut and colored yesterday, which I usually do every five weeks. I colored it black, and I keep my hair short so it's easier for me to take care of. I find myself missing my British friends even more than usual lately, Granted, I talk to them online every day, but sometimes, talking online is no substitute for a for-real hug.

I will be going to the cottage on Sunday afternoon and staying until the following Friday. I wonder what my dad's state of mind is going to be this time around?

Update on my dad

Dad was to have started cycle number three of chemo on Friday, but it has been postponed for another week due to him developing an infection in his right elbow. Many might not know this, but my dad used to play football (the American version not the British one) and he once suffered an injury to his right elbow while playing. I guess it never fully healed and occasionally, the elboy will become inflamed and infected, which is what happened again. He was given strong antibiotics at the hospital and pills to take at home, so hopefully Dad will be able to start the cycle next Friday.

One of Mom and dad's friends really bugs me

Mom set up a web site for my dad so that all of his friends can stay updated on his progress, Lots of people have been writing in the guestbook there, but there is one friend who lives not too far from our cottage that really bugs me. She wrote another entry in the guestbook today. I just saw it, and immediately my blood began to boil.

This particular friend of my parents is the type that thinks they know everything and acts as if they're above everyone. She is that and more......it's all I can do not to haul off and give her a smack right across the face when I see her guestbook entries. The stuck up bitch.

An explanation

This post is meant to be an explanation to my new friend, For those interested, my new friend has DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I have permission to mention her in my blog, and will, at her request, always refer to her as Metreshka when talking about her here. This is to protect her privacy and safety. This post is meant to be an explanation to Metreshka and all of those in her inside system.

Metreshka knows my story, and given what I have been through, she asks the valid question of why I would want to help others or even care about others. This is why.

In 2004, I was in a very dark place emotionally. At the time, I was in therapy to deal with issues stemming from the things that had happened to me as a child and young adult. I had reached a point in my therapy where I realized that those who had hurt me were going to get away with it and was very bitter about that. One day that year, I was surfing the channels, looking for something to watch on tv.when all of a sudden I heard a voice on one of the shows that was so gentle and caring that I immediately stopped surfing and went back to that channel. At the time, I did not know who this person was or what he did, something about his voice made me stop and listen though.

As I watched I learned that this man's name was Derek Acorah. I researched him online and found that he had written several books, the first of which was titled The Psychic World of Derek Acorah. I read this book from cover to cover and near the end of it there was a passage that touched me so deeply that it seemed as if Derek was speaking directly to me.

The passage, which I have now committed to memory, is as follows:

"There will be those reading this book who are physically or mentally unable to do much work in this world. Yet even the most disabled among us has a wonderful role to play in god's wonderful plan, The gift of a smile when all around know you are suffering is a beautiful thing. The light in your eyes as you see those who care for you brings with it joy. The touch of your hand will never be for gotten by those whose lives you share. No matter how ill, how injured, or incapacitated you may be, have faith in your own self. To your own self be true, and the path to gods kingdom will open up for you as surely as night follows day."

As soon as I finished reading that passage, I started to cry. But the tears I shed were not tears of anger or bitterness. These were cleansing tears, The bitterness I felt completely disappeared, and has not been back. Also, as a result of reading that passage, I now know in my heart and fully believe that my purpose for being here is to help others in whatever way I can, in whatever form that may take.

My definition of a friend

Here is what my definition of a friend is.A friend is someone who is always there for you no matter what and does not expect anything in return. A friend is someone who listens without judging. A friend is someone who does not try to force others to do things that are hurtful or triggering. A friend is someone who does not bail out on someone when the going gets tough or hard.A friend is someone who accepts someone else as they are and doesn't try to change them. A friend is someone who validates feelings and emotions and does not belittle them.

There is someone in my life who is a new friend. This person has had everything that is the opposite of what I listed here happen to them and it makes my blood boil.

Why?

Why is it that I'm expected to make compromises for others but it seems like no one will do the same for me? Lately, there is someone in my life who has been telling me what the two of us can and can't talk about. This wouldn't bother me, except that there seems to be more stuff on that list than there used to be. It irks me