I have a huge problem with non believers who are disrespectful about it

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have no problem with those who don't believe in mediums or the spirit world in general. However, I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to be a non believer. What I consider to be the right way to be a non believer is when the person who shares that opinion expresses it, but is respectful of those who do believe,like myself. To me, to goad someone who is a believer or worse, taunt them for being so, is the wrong way to be a non believer.

Someone who I mentioned in a previous post goaded one of my medium friends one too many times for my taste so I blocked this person.....now I won't have to see his taunting anywhere on Facebook anymore......thank goodness!

Rant ahead

I know that there are skeptics out there that don't believe that mediums are real and in general, I have no problem with them. The only time I do have a problem with skeptics is when they do one of two things:

1. They either use their skepticism to disguise mean-spiritedness

2. Or they goad those of us who do believe.

There is a skeptic that is very well known to believers out there, who, in my opinion does both of these things that I've listed. In fact, he did it just before I started writing this post, and I'm now so angry there is steam coming out of my ears. I'm also so angry that I can't write any more on this.

I know I did the right thing....but now what?

I know I did the right thing by telling my mom that I could no longer come to the cottage when dad was so close to having treatments, but now what? That's what I've been struggling with the last few days. I've been struggling with it so much that I couldn't even journal until now. I'm still struggling, but at least I feel like I can write again. My friend and assistant Lisa now knows about what I told my mother. Lisa asked me to tell her how I was feeling so that she could relay it when she talks to my mom. Now, I wait and see what happens next. My emotions were like a roller coaster even before I told mom what I was going to do and why, but now they're even more so, and it's driving me up the wall.

Varolo - Official Video

Finally did it

On Thursday night, my mother called, and when she called I told her that she would have to speak to my friend and assistant Lisa, because I couldn't come up to the cottage anymore when Dad was so close to having his chemo. When asked to explain why, I told her the truth, which is that I can no longer handle being the target of Dad's mood swings no matter how justified they may be. I also told her that I could no longer tolerate being constantly told that I need to be more tolerant of Dad and whatever else she thinks I'm doing wrong. As I said in a previous post, this last trip there was particularly hellish, and I simply can't go through that again.

My mother's response was to do what she usually does, which is to not validate my feelings and make it sound as though I'm the one with the problem and she and the rest of the family are perfect. That only makes me me more determined to stick to what I told her. I'm tired of being disrespected.

An unexpected jolt

I received an unexpected jolt today. I am a member of a group that provides support for people with DID (formerly known as Multiple personality Disorder) and also tries to raise awareness of it as well. And every once in a while, someone from there will send me a friend request on Facebook. I don't mind when someone from the group does that because as I've stated before here, I am happy to help anyone in any way that I can.

Today, someone whose name I've seen before in the group sent me a friend request. I confirmed it, and went to her wall to say hello and to thank her for adding me. It was after that that I happened to look over and see her email address. It turns out that she was a very good friend of my partner Laura. who unfortunately committed suicide two years ago. Laura's friend is a very nice person, but it still brought back memories and reopened a wound that had scabbed over. I also don't know yet if Laura's friend knows that Laura is gone. That means that if she doesn't I'm going to be the one who will have to tell her. I dread the prospect of that.

People are still afraid and unwilling to educate themselves even now.....and that is shameful

I have friends from all over the world and from all walks of life. And one thing that no one will know about me unless they happen to know me and what makes me tick is that I am very loyal to all of my friends, and if someone hurts any of my friends, the person who inflicted the hurt had better hope I don't find them. Yesterday, someone hurt one of my friends, but I didn't find out about it until about an hour ago. And while any circumstances under which any of my friends are hurt are awful, but this particular one is even more so.

My friend who was hurt is named M, and the person who hurt him did it by walking away from him because they couldn't handle that fact. I find it absolutely horrible that there are people that are afraid of HIV after all these years and all of the ways to educate yourself about it. I find it absolutely unconscionable that someone would be so unwilling to learn about ways to minimize the risk of infection. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there are people that would choose fear over education about this. But most of all, my heart breaks for the friend who was hurt by narrowmindedness.

A difficult anniversary

Today is a difficult day for me. Not just because of the terrible thing that happened ten years ago today, but also because today would have been my Auntie Beverly's 80th Birthday. She and my Uncle Ed were the ones that helped me so much when I was growing up. Beverly died two weeks after 911 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but I'm especially thinking of her today. :-(

Embarrassed

Most of the time, I see my cp as no big deal but there are times when having it can cause embarrassing things to  happen. Earlier tonight was one of those times. I had fallen asleep earlier, only to find, when I woke up later, that I had wet the bed in my sleep. All bedding had to be changed. I'm still crying over it. I know it's not my fault that I can't get to the bathroom by myself, but it is embarrassing to wet the bed when one is 38 years old.

Why is Mom the only one who can tell Dad things related to his medical condition?

So, yesterday Mom got a call from one of the nurses in charge of Dad's case. He had bloodwork done earlier that day in preparation for his next chemo treatment which will take place later today. The results of the bloodwork showed that Dad's hemoglobin is too low and he will need another blood transfusion. Mom set the transfusion up for tomorrow so that Dad wouldn't have to have a 12 hour day at the hospital.

Dad was upstairs taking a nap when the call came in, so I asked Mom if I could be the one to tell him the news when he came down. Immediately, she said no, that SHE was going to be the one to do it and no one else! I would like to know why Mom feels she is the only one who is/can be involved in this cancer crisis. Or rather, why she feels that only she and my sister are or can be involved in this cancer crisis. Since this whole nightmare started, I have felt excluded. When I say that I've felt excluded, I don't mean that I haven't been updated on Dad's condition as the need arises, what I mean is that I've felt excluded when it comes to being allowed to help Mom out etc. Okay, so maybe I can't do the big things like helping Dad get dressed, but I CAN do things such as setting up his meds, getting him things to drink, reading to him, etc, but I am not being allowed to do so.  And it's no accident that I'm not being allowed to help out. That is really hurting me, especially since it's coming right on top of being the target for Dad's mood swings.

Something has shifted

I'm not sure what it is yet, but something has shifted. Dad did apologize for flaring up last night, but for some reason, even though I usually am very quick to accept someone's apology when it's given, I found myself unable to do so when dad did it. I told him that he couldn't make everyone around him feel miserable just because he does, and I told him that I accepted his apology so that he would drop the issue. There's only one problem though. When I told Dad I accepted his apology, those were just words. I am not able to accept his apology as  I write this post. I don't know if this is just a passing feeling or not. I know that this probably makes me sound like a terrible daughter. But I just cannot accept his apology.

The next question is why. And so far, the answer is, I don't know yet. I'm working on  that as we speak. What does all of this say about me? Have I become someone who doesn't care and is callous and heartless?

Ready to explode

Dad flared up again about an hour ago, and that was bad enough, but now I'm really ready to explode because a few minutes ago, my mother just had the nerve to come in here and tell me that I need to be more tolerant of him, which makes me even madder. I understand that chemo is enough to make anyone feel like shit. But to my way of thinking, feeling ill does not give the person feeling ill the right to make those around them miserable. And all I hear from my mom is what I'm doing wrong and blah blah blah. Thanks for nothing Mom, as usual!

And here we go again

I'm at the cottage visiting my dad again, and while there have been no arguments (so far) I did just have to call Mom out on something she did, and as usual, she didn't like it. There was a hanging basket over at my sister's cottage that Mom wanted to bring over here to this one. As Mom was telling me about it, Dad said that he wanted to go over and get it. Mom immediately jumped in and said that she was gonna go, and there was no room for argument. I told her to let Dad do it if that was something he wanted to do.She said he was too tired to go. My response was: "How do you know dad's too tired? Are you in his body? I don't think so."

It really irks me when someone claims to know what is best for someone else when that someone is still perfectly capable of judging what he/she is able to do.

Mom is driving me nuts-but she doesn't know that

I mentioned in one of my lasts posts that my mom refuses to face reality. That continues to be the case, and I swear, I don't know how I'm gonna get through September 4-9 without wanting to shake her by the shoulders until her eyes pop out of her head. I just read the latest update on the website that Mom put up and that's  what set me off again......Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Angry

I'm so angry at Metreshka's husband right now. I got an email from one of Metreshka's littles saying that he hurt her (the little) I know that some might read that last sentence and wonder why Metreshka doesn't get out of that relationship. I can't go into detail, but for many reasons it's not as simple as that, At times when he does things that upset her  system, I wish it were, but it's not. To the little inside who emailed me: You ARE good. You ARE a good and brave little girl, and I love you lotslotslots.