Done trying to hold it together

I am done trying to hold it together. Since the last post that my mother put up toward the end of the week, I have been in meltdown mode. I also am not contacting the cottage at this point. I'm too hurt and too angry. There is another update on the caring bridge site and according to what my mother put on there, the doctor wants my dad to continue through cycle 6 as the tumor markers are down. One would think that news like that would make me happy but it doesn't. Was it Dad's choice to continue through cycle 6? Or is he doing it because he feels that's what he "should" do? Nothing has changed as far as me being excluded goes either, I saw by the latest update post that it's still happening.

Hurt and pissed off

I am so hurt and pissed off right now it's unreal. Mom posted an update on dad's caring bridge site, and everything was fine until I read the last sentence which read as follows: "Peggy is flying in for a visit and that makes for a good weekend." It was an obvious dig, and once again sends the message that as far as they are concerned, I'm about as valued as dirt.

I have a huge problem with non believers who are disrespectful about it

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have no problem with those who don't believe in mediums or the spirit world in general. However, I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to be a non believer. What I consider to be the right way to be a non believer is when the person who shares that opinion expresses it, but is respectful of those who do believe,like myself. To me, to goad someone who is a believer or worse, taunt them for being so, is the wrong way to be a non believer.

Someone who I mentioned in a previous post goaded one of my medium friends one too many times for my taste so I blocked this person.....now I won't have to see his taunting anywhere on Facebook anymore......thank goodness!

Rant ahead

I know that there are skeptics out there that don't believe that mediums are real and in general, I have no problem with them. The only time I do have a problem with skeptics is when they do one of two things:

1. They either use their skepticism to disguise mean-spiritedness

2. Or they goad those of us who do believe.

There is a skeptic that is very well known to believers out there, who, in my opinion does both of these things that I've listed. In fact, he did it just before I started writing this post, and I'm now so angry there is steam coming out of my ears. I'm also so angry that I can't write any more on this.

I know I did the right thing....but now what?

I know I did the right thing by telling my mom that I could no longer come to the cottage when dad was so close to having treatments, but now what? That's what I've been struggling with the last few days. I've been struggling with it so much that I couldn't even journal until now. I'm still struggling, but at least I feel like I can write again. My friend and assistant Lisa now knows about what I told my mother. Lisa asked me to tell her how I was feeling so that she could relay it when she talks to my mom. Now, I wait and see what happens next. My emotions were like a roller coaster even before I told mom what I was going to do and why, but now they're even more so, and it's driving me up the wall.

Varolo - Official Video

Finally did it

On Thursday night, my mother called, and when she called I told her that she would have to speak to my friend and assistant Lisa, because I couldn't come up to the cottage anymore when Dad was so close to having his chemo. When asked to explain why, I told her the truth, which is that I can no longer handle being the target of Dad's mood swings no matter how justified they may be. I also told her that I could no longer tolerate being constantly told that I need to be more tolerant of Dad and whatever else she thinks I'm doing wrong. As I said in a previous post, this last trip there was particularly hellish, and I simply can't go through that again.

My mother's response was to do what she usually does, which is to not validate my feelings and make it sound as though I'm the one with the problem and she and the rest of the family are perfect. That only makes me me more determined to stick to what I told her. I'm tired of being disrespected.

An unexpected jolt

I received an unexpected jolt today. I am a member of a group that provides support for people with DID (formerly known as Multiple personality Disorder) and also tries to raise awareness of it as well. And every once in a while, someone from there will send me a friend request on Facebook. I don't mind when someone from the group does that because as I've stated before here, I am happy to help anyone in any way that I can.

Today, someone whose name I've seen before in the group sent me a friend request. I confirmed it, and went to her wall to say hello and to thank her for adding me. It was after that that I happened to look over and see her email address. It turns out that she was a very good friend of my partner Laura. who unfortunately committed suicide two years ago. Laura's friend is a very nice person, but it still brought back memories and reopened a wound that had scabbed over. I also don't know yet if Laura's friend knows that Laura is gone. That means that if she doesn't I'm going to be the one who will have to tell her. I dread the prospect of that.

People are still afraid and unwilling to educate themselves even now.....and that is shameful

I have friends from all over the world and from all walks of life. And one thing that no one will know about me unless they happen to know me and what makes me tick is that I am very loyal to all of my friends, and if someone hurts any of my friends, the person who inflicted the hurt had better hope I don't find them. Yesterday, someone hurt one of my friends, but I didn't find out about it until about an hour ago. And while any circumstances under which any of my friends are hurt are awful, but this particular one is even more so.

My friend who was hurt is named M, and the person who hurt him did it by walking away from him because they couldn't handle that fact. I find it absolutely horrible that there are people that are afraid of HIV after all these years and all of the ways to educate yourself about it. I find it absolutely unconscionable that someone would be so unwilling to learn about ways to minimize the risk of infection. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there are people that would choose fear over education about this. But most of all, my heart breaks for the friend who was hurt by narrowmindedness.

A difficult anniversary

Today is a difficult day for me. Not just because of the terrible thing that happened ten years ago today, but also because today would have been my Auntie Beverly's 80th Birthday. She and my Uncle Ed were the ones that helped me so much when I was growing up. Beverly died two weeks after 911 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but I'm especially thinking of her today. :-(

Embarrassed

Most of the time, I see my cp as no big deal but there are times when having it can cause embarrassing things to  happen. Earlier tonight was one of those times. I had fallen asleep earlier, only to find, when I woke up later, that I had wet the bed in my sleep. All bedding had to be changed. I'm still crying over it. I know it's not my fault that I can't get to the bathroom by myself, but it is embarrassing to wet the bed when one is 38 years old.

Why is Mom the only one who can tell Dad things related to his medical condition?

So, yesterday Mom got a call from one of the nurses in charge of Dad's case. He had bloodwork done earlier that day in preparation for his next chemo treatment which will take place later today. The results of the bloodwork showed that Dad's hemoglobin is too low and he will need another blood transfusion. Mom set the transfusion up for tomorrow so that Dad wouldn't have to have a 12 hour day at the hospital.

Dad was upstairs taking a nap when the call came in, so I asked Mom if I could be the one to tell him the news when he came down. Immediately, she said no, that SHE was going to be the one to do it and no one else! I would like to know why Mom feels she is the only one who is/can be involved in this cancer crisis. Or rather, why she feels that only she and my sister are or can be involved in this cancer crisis. Since this whole nightmare started, I have felt excluded. When I say that I've felt excluded, I don't mean that I haven't been updated on Dad's condition as the need arises, what I mean is that I've felt excluded when it comes to being allowed to help Mom out etc. Okay, so maybe I can't do the big things like helping Dad get dressed, but I CAN do things such as setting up his meds, getting him things to drink, reading to him, etc, but I am not being allowed to do so.  And it's no accident that I'm not being allowed to help out. That is really hurting me, especially since it's coming right on top of being the target for Dad's mood swings.

Something has shifted

I'm not sure what it is yet, but something has shifted. Dad did apologize for flaring up last night, but for some reason, even though I usually am very quick to accept someone's apology when it's given, I found myself unable to do so when dad did it. I told him that he couldn't make everyone around him feel miserable just because he does, and I told him that I accepted his apology so that he would drop the issue. There's only one problem though. When I told Dad I accepted his apology, those were just words. I am not able to accept his apology as  I write this post. I don't know if this is just a passing feeling or not. I know that this probably makes me sound like a terrible daughter. But I just cannot accept his apology.

The next question is why. And so far, the answer is, I don't know yet. I'm working on  that as we speak. What does all of this say about me? Have I become someone who doesn't care and is callous and heartless?

Ready to explode

Dad flared up again about an hour ago, and that was bad enough, but now I'm really ready to explode because a few minutes ago, my mother just had the nerve to come in here and tell me that I need to be more tolerant of him, which makes me even madder. I understand that chemo is enough to make anyone feel like shit. But to my way of thinking, feeling ill does not give the person feeling ill the right to make those around them miserable. And all I hear from my mom is what I'm doing wrong and blah blah blah. Thanks for nothing Mom, as usual!

And here we go again

I'm at the cottage visiting my dad again, and while there have been no arguments (so far) I did just have to call Mom out on something she did, and as usual, she didn't like it. There was a hanging basket over at my sister's cottage that Mom wanted to bring over here to this one. As Mom was telling me about it, Dad said that he wanted to go over and get it. Mom immediately jumped in and said that she was gonna go, and there was no room for argument. I told her to let Dad do it if that was something he wanted to do.She said he was too tired to go. My response was: "How do you know dad's too tired? Are you in his body? I don't think so."

It really irks me when someone claims to know what is best for someone else when that someone is still perfectly capable of judging what he/she is able to do.

Mom is driving me nuts-but she doesn't know that

I mentioned in one of my lasts posts that my mom refuses to face reality. That continues to be the case, and I swear, I don't know how I'm gonna get through September 4-9 without wanting to shake her by the shoulders until her eyes pop out of her head. I just read the latest update on the website that Mom put up and that's  what set me off again......Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Angry

I'm so angry at Metreshka's husband right now. I got an email from one of Metreshka's littles saying that he hurt her (the little) I know that some might read that last sentence and wonder why Metreshka doesn't get out of that relationship. I can't go into detail, but for many reasons it's not as simple as that, At times when he does things that upset her  system, I wish it were, but it's not. To the little inside who emailed me: You ARE good. You ARE a good and brave little girl, and I love you lotslotslots.

Difficulties with Mom

From the time that I was a little girl until I was an adult and had moved away from my parents, I used to pretend that everything was okay even when it wasn't. I did it to survive, but once I saw how unhealthy that was, I swore I would never do it again, and to this day, This has created difficulties with both of my parents but especially with my mother.

I talked with my mother today in order to check on Dad. She said the infection in his elbow was clearing up and that he would be going ahead with chemo this Friday.She then said that his appetite was good and that she hoped that after the chemo he would be feeling even better. It was at this point that I said to her that that would probably not be the case, and reminded her of what the pattern has been for dad after each session. She responded by saying that what I was saying was true, but that she kept hoping things would be different.

It was at this point that I ended the conversation as quickly as I could because although Mother didn't know it, I was angry. It drives me crazy that Mom simply will not face reality, and also that she expects me to play the game of let's-pretend-everything's-okay-even-though-its not. I don't care how angry it makes her, I refuse to play along with her anymore. I won't do it. Ever again.

Odds and ends

I got my hair cut and colored yesterday, which I usually do every five weeks. I colored it black, and I keep my hair short so it's easier for me to take care of. I find myself missing my British friends even more than usual lately, Granted, I talk to them online every day, but sometimes, talking online is no substitute for a for-real hug.

I will be going to the cottage on Sunday afternoon and staying until the following Friday. I wonder what my dad's state of mind is going to be this time around?

Update on my dad

Dad was to have started cycle number three of chemo on Friday, but it has been postponed for another week due to him developing an infection in his right elbow. Many might not know this, but my dad used to play football (the American version not the British one) and he once suffered an injury to his right elbow while playing. I guess it never fully healed and occasionally, the elboy will become inflamed and infected, which is what happened again. He was given strong antibiotics at the hospital and pills to take at home, so hopefully Dad will be able to start the cycle next Friday.

One of Mom and dad's friends really bugs me

Mom set up a web site for my dad so that all of his friends can stay updated on his progress, Lots of people have been writing in the guestbook there, but there is one friend who lives not too far from our cottage that really bugs me. She wrote another entry in the guestbook today. I just saw it, and immediately my blood began to boil.

This particular friend of my parents is the type that thinks they know everything and acts as if they're above everyone. She is that and more......it's all I can do not to haul off and give her a smack right across the face when I see her guestbook entries. The stuck up bitch.

An explanation

This post is meant to be an explanation to my new friend, For those interested, my new friend has DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I have permission to mention her in my blog, and will, at her request, always refer to her as Metreshka when talking about her here. This is to protect her privacy and safety. This post is meant to be an explanation to Metreshka and all of those in her inside system.

Metreshka knows my story, and given what I have been through, she asks the valid question of why I would want to help others or even care about others. This is why.

In 2004, I was in a very dark place emotionally. At the time, I was in therapy to deal with issues stemming from the things that had happened to me as a child and young adult. I had reached a point in my therapy where I realized that those who had hurt me were going to get away with it and was very bitter about that. One day that year, I was surfing the channels, looking for something to watch on tv.when all of a sudden I heard a voice on one of the shows that was so gentle and caring that I immediately stopped surfing and went back to that channel. At the time, I did not know who this person was or what he did, something about his voice made me stop and listen though.

As I watched I learned that this man's name was Derek Acorah. I researched him online and found that he had written several books, the first of which was titled The Psychic World of Derek Acorah. I read this book from cover to cover and near the end of it there was a passage that touched me so deeply that it seemed as if Derek was speaking directly to me.

The passage, which I have now committed to memory, is as follows:

"There will be those reading this book who are physically or mentally unable to do much work in this world. Yet even the most disabled among us has a wonderful role to play in god's wonderful plan, The gift of a smile when all around know you are suffering is a beautiful thing. The light in your eyes as you see those who care for you brings with it joy. The touch of your hand will never be for gotten by those whose lives you share. No matter how ill, how injured, or incapacitated you may be, have faith in your own self. To your own self be true, and the path to gods kingdom will open up for you as surely as night follows day."

As soon as I finished reading that passage, I started to cry. But the tears I shed were not tears of anger or bitterness. These were cleansing tears, The bitterness I felt completely disappeared, and has not been back. Also, as a result of reading that passage, I now know in my heart and fully believe that my purpose for being here is to help others in whatever way I can, in whatever form that may take.

My definition of a friend

Here is what my definition of a friend is.A friend is someone who is always there for you no matter what and does not expect anything in return. A friend is someone who listens without judging. A friend is someone who does not try to force others to do things that are hurtful or triggering. A friend is someone who does not bail out on someone when the going gets tough or hard.A friend is someone who accepts someone else as they are and doesn't try to change them. A friend is someone who validates feelings and emotions and does not belittle them.

There is someone in my life who is a new friend. This person has had everything that is the opposite of what I listed here happen to them and it makes my blood boil.

Why?

Why is it that I'm expected to make compromises for others but it seems like no one will do the same for me? Lately, there is someone in my life who has been telling me what the two of us can and can't talk about. This wouldn't bother me, except that there seems to be more stuff on that list than there used to be. It irks me

Cancer sucks

Cancer sucks pure and simple. I'm sure it's no surprise that I'm having a difficult time dealing with the roller coaster ride. My next visit up to the family cottage is tomorrow, and I'm scared because it was hard enough trying to keep the shocked expression off my face when I say my Dad last month, He has a year left at the most, and the way things are now, I think that's optimistic. He has started chemo and it has left him very weak. I'm trying to think of ways to spend time with him, but the present circumstances don't make it easy.

Not good news

My father's biopsy results are in, and the news isn't good. As the doctors initially suspected, he has stage 4 gallbladder cancer which has spread to his liver, so surgery is not an option. The next step will be a meeting with the oncologist to discuss possible options. This will take place on July 8th. I ask those of you who read this to keep my family and I in your prayers.

In a state of shock

As the title says, I'm in a state of shock right now. My father has had a minor stroke, and has been in hospital being monitored and treated, and as more tests were done, the doctors also discovered that he has gallbladder cancer. A biopsy will be done sometime today, and the results of that will determine what the next step will be as far as treatment, My Dad;'s spirits seem good considering, but he's not the best patient in the world, which means I don't envy the doctors and nurses one bit. Luckily, I had planned a visit to our cottage this coming Sunday evening, and the hospital is only an hour away from the cottage, so if he isn't out of hospital by the time I get there, I can still go see him during the days and give my Mom a bit of a rest. As soon as I have any more news, I will post it here. In the meantime, prayers would be welcome.

Karna will get them in the end

In my last post, I mentioned a fifteen year old girl who is at this moment fighting what looks to be a terminal battle with cancer, Rather than feel sorry for herself though, she's using this to inspire and help others, myself included. But it's disgusting that there are some out there that are trying their hardest to ruin what this young lady is trying to do by saying and doing hurtful things, Thank goodness she and her mother have now made it so that any comments which come onto her blog have to first be approved before they're seen. Other things will be done as well, which I know from following her blog. As angry as it makes me that these small-minded people would try to undermine people that are trying to do good, I know that karma will get the small-minded people in the end. Good will always triumph over evil,

Inspiration

One never knows what or who will inspire someone at any given time. I just finished reading an article about a 15 year old British girl who has been fighting cancer for four years. She and her family have been told that there is nothing further medically that can be done for her. She has started a blog to share her story and the things she would like to do before she dies. Here's the link for anyone who might like to have a look at her blog:

www.alicepyne.blogspot.com

If you can't click it, just type that address in your browser and it will take you there.

Update

I know that it's been a while since my last post, but those of you who read my last post will know that I had a lot going on when I put it up, and I needed to take a bit of a break from my blog to decompress at least a little bit. My friend, whom I spoke of in my last post, is doing as well as can be expected considering the circumstances, although as I said, their life has been changed. All I can do is continue what I've been doing which is to support them as best I can,

I woke up to a gray and rainy day where I live, so I can't seem to fully wake up. I don't like days like that as it tends to lead to what I like to call brain fog. Brain fog as defined by MotorizedMillie, is when your eyes are open, and you look awake, but you feel extremely sleepy when there's no reason for it, and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to muster the energy to do the things that normally come naturally to you, such as put together a blog post that sounds at least reasonably intelligent lol. As you've probably guessed by now, I have a bona fied case of brain fog as I speak. And because of that, I'm now going to close this post and wish all of you who read this a lovely day.

Day of reckoning

A few weeks ago I posted that a friend whom I love very much was going through a very difficult time in their life. For reasons of privacy, I can't go into details of what my friend is facing, but today is a pivotal day for them, and I don't think I've ever prayed so hard or been so frightened in my life. My fear is not for myself, but for my friend. Even if today goes as well for my friend as it can, their life will never ever be the same again. Today, I'm praying for strength for my friend to face whatever comes, and that those around my friend will have at least some compassion in their hearts. I pray also that my friend knows that I will be there for them no matter what happens today.

Unsettled

I've been feeling unsettled ever since the news of Osama Bin Laden's death was announced. Not because I'm unhappy that he's not on Earth anymore, but because there are many people who seem to be doing tit-for-tat. In other words, returning the hate he spread with even more hate. How are some people doing this? by celebrating his demise. And that's what makes me sad. Not that Bin Laden is gone, but that people are being so hateful in response to it.

Did Bin Laden hurt and murder many US and indeed world citizens? Yes. Did he change the lives of many families forever, forcing them to live with the kind of pain that will never completely go away no matter how much time passes? Absolutely. But think about this: Do you remember how you felt when you saw people in the Middle East celebrating the 911 attacks? What message does it send to the world if people here do the very same thing in response to Bin Laden's demise? To me, it seems that we don't practice what we preach. Responding to hate with more hate is not the way I choose to respond. Think about it.

Blogger ate the post I was working on

I was working on a post yesterday night, and blogger ate it, and I was too lazy to type it all again, so I waited until today. Drat  fingers that hit keys that I don't want them to hit lol. Having a chill-out day today, so I don't have much to say today, but that's ok. Relaxation is very important,

An Anglophile through and through

I freely and proudly admit that I'm an Anglophile through and through. Like the rest of the world, I too watched the Royal Wedding  with joy and happiness for Prince William and Princess Catherine. Diana would have been beaming with pride today. Softie that I am, I teared up and got a big lump in my throat during the ceremony. Thank goodness I didn't break down completely as I didn't have any tissues nearby.

I also freely admit to being a big fan of the British Royal Family. Okay, so Prince Charles has made a few mistakes, and I agree wholeheartedly that they were huge ones, but unlike some who think that he and the rest of the Royal Family had something to do with Diana's death, I don't think so. Prince Charles looked every bit the proud father today and justifiably so. And I loved Princess Catherine's dress. It was elegant and gorgeous in an understated sort of way, which, I feel, suited Princess Catherine perfectly.

Unlike some of the Royal marriages of the past, I feel that this one will last. And I wish the newlyweds all the happiness in the world.

Not easy being me

Ok, so the above title is a variation on Kermit the Frog's it's not easy being green, but it fits because it's NOT easy being me right now. This is not me feeling sorry for myself I promise. See, I like to think I have a good heart, and one of the things that I always do is try to reach out and offer support when I see that someone might need it. 99 percent of the time, it's taken for what it is and is appreciated. But sometimes it isn't and my effort to be supportive is met with anger and hostility. Last night was one of those times. When it happens I remind myself that my intentions were honorable and good and that I'm sometimes going to run into people who, for whatever reason, don't want to accept it. The problem is that however much I remind myself of that, it still hurts when I am met with hostility simply for trying to be supportive. Thankfully, the hurt will eventually go away, And I will continue doing as I always do and trust that karma will take care of the rest.

My heart is heavy

My heart is heavy today. Much is on my mind that I cannot share, or rather, that I can share, but only with a very select group of people, There is a lot of digesting and processing to be done on my part, and so far, I'm finding the going difficult to say the least. Knowing that a member of my family of choice is in trouble but must walk the path ahead of them on their own while I watch from afar is agony for me. I am praying for healing for all involved, and I pray for wisdom, compassion, and strength in the days and weeks ahead. I pray for guidance as well, so that should I be asked for advice, I am able to give it with love and without judgement.

For those who don't know

For those who don't know, I'm doing several things online in order to make a bit of extra money because living on a fixed income doesn't leave much in my pocket. So if you're so inclined, please click the few amazon ads and google ads sometimes. It's not required but would be greatly appreciated. I also just figured out how to syndicate my blog which is also a good thing,

It's been a difficult week for me, which is why I've been silent as far as posts go. I can't go into details here for reasons of privacy, but I'm doing the best I can to deal with the new challenges which have come into my path.

What a roller coaster ride!

The title says it all, I had pretty much resigned myself to not going to the memorial,  when all of a sudden I heard from my mother yesterday, I wasn't sure what to expect given that our last conversation hadn't been pleasant, but she had come around and is now, if not thrilled with my decision to stay at a hotel, at least she has accepted it, I decided to go ahead and tell Lisa today since I had forgotten to ask her when she'd be back to work anyway. She knows the situation with regard to my sister and I and wasn't surprised when I told her what had gone on. I'm just glad that part of it is settled and I can start practicing psalm 23. I always get nervous when I have to do any kind of speaking in public. I hope the butterflies don't get too bad.

Follow-up

Since my last post I've had some feedback from friends and acquaintances saying that they feel that I should still go to my Uncle's memorial because they feel I would regret it if I don't. I'm not upset by the feedback, in fact I welcome it. My assistant will be gone through next Monday. Her name is Lisa, and she goes with me on trips, and is also my right hand and friend, Because she's on vacation this week and I don't want to interrupt her, she doesn't know what happened between the time she left and now. I'll be speaking to her when she gets back though.

There are many reasons why I won't speak to my sister or be around her. Since, for many reasons, I don't want to go into them here, I can see why I've gotten the feedback that I have, and once again, let me state for the record that the feedback is welcomed and indeed appreciated, However, it's not as simple as it might sound to some of you. If there is a way that I can explain the situation in another post without running the risk of any family members running across it by accident, please let me know so that I can elaborate further. Those of you who might read this blog from Mylot, Facebook, or Twitter are welcome to either comment here or message me at any of those three places with any suggestions you might have. Thank you in advance.

A painful and difficult decision

Shortly before I logged in to post today's entry, I had to make a very painful and difficult decision. As I stated before in a recent post, my uncle recently died, and my plan had been to go to his memorial, which will take place in July. My plan had been to attend, and I had been asked to read psalm 23 from the bible. However, all previous plans have now gone out the window because I found out that my sister will be staying at our cottage for the weekend of the memorial. This would be no problem if I got along with my sister, but the truth is, not only do I not get along with her, I despise her and will not have anything to do with her whatsoever. The reasons why are for another post.

The events that led up to this decision started with me telling my mom that I wouldn't sit with my sister during the memorial service. Of course, this led to a verbal butting of heads during which my mother mentioned that my sister would be staying at the cottage during the weekend of the memorial while I was there as well. I told my mother that if that was the case, I would either stay at a hotel or not come to the memorial at all. As soon as that sentence came out of my mouth, my mother started going on and on about how if I stayed at a hotel, I would miss out on all the family get-togethers which are to use my mother's words, what the memorial is all about. Hearing my mother say that made me want to vomit because it's such a hypocritical statement given how I've been treated by them. That was the last straw, I ended the conversation right there and made the decision not to attend my uncle's memorial. It hurts, but I need to consider my mental and emotional health.

Where I grew up and my parent's background

Although I now live in Minnesota, I'm originally from Washington State. I grew up in a place called Ravensdale, but since no one has heard of it, I always say I'm from Seattle, which is more well known. Ravensdale is about 45 minutes south of Seattle and had a small-town feel to it when I was growing up there. My parents grew up in Minnesota and moved to Washington State in 1959. At the time, my dad was serving in the army as he had been drafted into it in 1958 and married my mom shortly after. My dad had originally tried out for the Marine officers training program, but couldn't pass the physical due to a knee injury while playing college football.

My mom is one of five girls. She was the next-to-youngest one in her family, and from everything I know of and everything I've heard, she had a wonderful childhood. Both of my parents studied to become teachers. My mom eventually became a music teacher, and my dad started out as a teacher and eventually became a principal. By the time I was born, ny mom and dad were working in the same middle school, she as a music teacher, he as the principal of said middle school. That would eventually become a BIG problem for me, but that's another post,

Guardian angels

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the words guardian angel? Most people think of the spiritual beings that are so often spoken and heard about. I think of them as well, but I also think of 2 people in my family who did everything they could and more to make my life better and more comfortable than it otherwise would have been.

These two people were my mother's sister Beverly Fish and her husband Edward. My uncle Edward, along with his mother, Clara, built from the ground up a company that would eventually become Universal Hospital Services. This company was a medical supply company that woud sell or rent medical equipment to hospitals and people who needed it. My Aunt Beverly started out as a nurse, but when she married my Uncle Edward, she joined him in his company and helped him to make it into a renowned success.

My uncle and Aunt were wealthy people, but unlike most people who have health, they always put other's needs before their own. One of the people they helped was me. Besides providing the money needed to remodel my childhood home almost from the ground up, they also paid for every single penny of my stay at Courage Center for the entire two year period that I was there. Also, they made sure that every home they owned had at least one part of it that was accessible for me. And I should have said that this was the first thing they did, but they also bought me my very first wheelchair-accessible van when they retired in 1987.

Sadly, my Aunt Beverly died of ovarian cancer on September 26, 2001. My uncle died on February 22 of this year. I cannot put adequately put into words how overwhelmed and sad I feel that they're now both gone from this world, but I can say that if it weren't for them, my life would have been completely different from what it is now. I have dedicated myself to passing the good they did for me on to others in whatever way I can. Thankfully, I was able to thank each of them for everything they did for me before they left this world, and that brings me a small bit of comfort.

My story

It's time for my readers to get to know me better. Before I go into that though, there are a couple of things that I need to say. The first is that this post may be difficult to read, so you may want to have a box of tissues nearby. The second thing I want to say is that my aim in posting my story is not to gain pity or sympathy, but to allow you, the reader to get to know a little bit about who MotorizedMillie is.

I started out as a mistake. What I mean by that is that I was an unplanned pregnancy. My parents had already had one child and had decided that one was enough. So, in 1972, my mother had an in utero device, more commonly known as an IUD implanted inside of her. This was a form of birth control that was very popular in the 1970s. My mother became pregnant while she still had the IUD inside her. The doctors that she had at the time didn't want to remove the IUD for fear of terminating the pregnancy in the process, so it was kept in.

The IUD eventually punctured the amniotic sack causing me to be born 2 months prematurely on June 20, 1973. I was eventually diagnosed with cerebral palsy at the age of a year and a half. I grew up in a house where conflict was the rule rather than the exception. The screaming and shouting between my parents and my sister, or indeed between my parents themselves went on almost 24/7. On top of that, from the age of 4 until the age of seven, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by a nanny.There was also one incident of sexual abuse inflicted upon me by the son of the nanny. All of the abuse was so horrific that my mind eventually blocked it out. The memories of the abuse didn't return until many years later, while I was attending Courage Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota USA. This is a rehabilitation facility where people with disabilities such as mine could go to gain the skills needed in order to live independently. I was there from 1991-1993. I'll write more about how I was able to come there in my next post, but these are the facts that are relevant to this post.

By 1992, the memories of the abuse that I had suffered as a child had begun to return. and I had begun the painstaking process of healing which was to last many many years. During the holiday period of that year, I returned home to Seattle, Washington to spend Christmas with my family. My parents picked me up at the airport and almost immediately began arguing again. I said nothing until we arrived at the house. When we got there, I rook my mother aside, told her that I hadn't come home to listen to arguing and asked her if she and my father had ever considered marital couseling. Her response was to look me in the eye and tell me that if it weren't for me, the problems between she and my father wouldn't exist. Needless to say, as a result of that conversation, I respect my parents as human beings, but that is as far as it goes. There is obviously more to come, but I need to stop for today because writing this has taken a lot out of me.

Didn't think I had it in me

I'm feeling very proud of myself at the moment. Why, you ask? Well, I've managed to sign up for a goggle adsense account and set up ads for my blog all by myself! I've never done anything quite that technical before, or at least not all on my own.Yay me!. I know I said I'd be back later, but I wanted to get the ads set up first. Ok, now I really will be back later with another post.

New blog new start

Hello everyone,

Well, I used to blog at another site and then, for many years, I took a long break. I now feel the urge to start blogging again as a means of expressing myself. As the name of my blog implies, I use a motorized wheelchair to get around, and my name is Millie which is short for Millicent. I hope also, to make a bit of extra money from this blog, and am waiting to hear whether I will be allowed to do so as we speak, As such, there may at some point be ads placed in the side bar of this blog. If you are so inclined please click on them. Although I am by no means broke, living on a fixed income can be difficult and every little bit helps, I'll be back with another post as soon as I've had some sleep and coffee. Be blessed.